Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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