chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
