Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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