Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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