You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
our cab driver is having phone sex.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I have fence marks all over my body
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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