Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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