So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
