We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
