a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
