Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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