i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
