Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
