cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
please come you make the beer taste better
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
