it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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