Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
