Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
