The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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