just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
