just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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