Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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