Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I yelled at your uterus for you.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
