I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Randomize
