Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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