just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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