I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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