I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
