god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize