I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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