So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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