I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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