omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize