strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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