Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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