Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
