He had one of those small greek statue penises
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
