I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize