So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My dick has a subreddit
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
