apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Randomize
