Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
