i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
