Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
There r osticjed everywhere
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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