I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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