Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
