this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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