I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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