So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
