My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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