I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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