There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
