Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
