I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize