He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
