I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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