i just sent this text using only my big toe
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i will never coherently bang her
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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