How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
