Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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