Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
