You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
