i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
