I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
