Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
