i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
