So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
