**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
