none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
