If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
