I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
