Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You smell like stripper and shame
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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