i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize