If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
